by Emma Kemsley
“I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do to help your baby.” Those were the words I heard after a long ultrasound, peak pandemic, before being placed in a white room, alone, in an eerily quiet hospital.
Losing a baby is hard in any circumstance, but when faced with the decision of termination for medical reasons (TFMR), suddenly it becomes an uncomprehensive emotional turmoil.
This is the decision I had to make after six cycles of IVF. It’s a heartbreaking choice for any expectant parent, but the weight of IVF made it even harder. I chose to end our baby’s life knowing I’d never be pregnant again. For me, there would never be another chance of conceiving. However, I put our child’s health and wellbeing before mine, and I’ve never regretted my decision.
When you hear those words, your world become smaller. Everything becomes a blur. Time stops. Life passes by in slow-mo. And it stays that way for weeks or even months after the procedure.
No one can prepare you for a termination for medical reasons, but here is everything I wished someone had told me about the experience.
Google will not be your friend.
It’s natural to Google. Our need for more information is unfathomable, but in this situation, Google will drive you insane. I tried to find a solution to our baby’s diagnosis through reports and forums. I fell into the deep depths of Google’s glaring pages every waking minute. This must have happened to someone else, and I needed to know the outcome. I was a woman possessed. I read every medical report written on the topic. The end was always the same, and it wasn’t what I wanted to read.
Expect language changes.
You may notice a shift in the language used by medical professionals. They may start referring to your baby as a feotus. This transition from cutesy terms to medical jargon reflects the growing seriousness of the situation. It’s important to remember that this change is not intended to upset or offend you. In fact, many baby loss charities are working with hospitals to improve the way these conversations are handled.
The decision would be solely mine.
The decision to end a pregnancy is deeply personal. While doctors can offer facts and stats, ultimately, the choice rests solely with you. I had hoped for more reassurance from my consultant, perhaps an encouraging nod, but ultimately, the decision was mine to make.
Advocate for yourself.
Unfortunately, my TFMR was made more difficult by my complicated gynae history. I was advised not to give birth naturally, but now I was facing a TFMR this no longer mattered. My hospital would only offer a surgical termination up to 14 weeks. As a result, I was expected to give birth which could have led to complications. An extra stress added to an already unbearable situation. I’m no stranger to standing up to medical teams, having fought for 10 years for an endometriosis diagnosis. I advocated for myself, and two weeks later I received a surgical termination.
You’ll be asked to make your own arrangements.
One of the most shocking experiences was being referred to an abortion clinic by the hospital at 21 weeks pregnant. It’s important to clarify, a TFMR is not an abortion; there is no choice involved. I was given a referral card and sent away. Unfortunately, the clinic couldn’t help due to my endometriosis, so I had to reach out to a baby loss charity. After two weeks of relentless phone calls, I finally secured a surgical procedure at a hospital an hour away. I hadn’t anticipated the level of involvement required in arranging my own termination. Be prepared for some difficult phone calls.
Staff were unaware.
Arriving at the hospital, I was met with a strange situation. I was required to publicly state the reason for my visit at the reception desk, surrounded by women who had just given birth. None of the staff seemed aware of my circumstances. It’s important to remember that medical professionals may not have the full context of your situation, such as a TFMR or multiple IVF cycles.
The side effects.
Before the procedure, you’ll meet with a doctor for a consultation. They’ll explain the process and conduct necessary health checks. During the surgery, I was gradually induced to prepare for the procedure. Unexpectedly, I experienced painful contraction like cramps.
After the termination, you might have bleeding similar to a period. However, the most surprising aspect for me was breast milk. No one mentioned the possibility of leaking boobs. It was a constant, painful reminder of the baby I would no longer be having. I later discovered doctors can prescribe medication to stop this happening. Unfortunately, I was not offered this, so please ask if this happens to you.
The final step.
One of the most difficult decisions following a termination is what to do with the baby’s remains. Burial and cremation are common options, but for some, neither feels right. Personally, I wanted to close this chapter of my life and move forward. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong answer. It’s a deeply personal choice.
No termination for medical reason is easy, and I hope the support, advice and organisation of the procedures have significantly improved since my TFMR in May 2020.
While the pain of losing a baby is immeasurable, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. There are many resources available to help you through this difficult time. By seeking support, understanding the grieving process, and taking care of yourself, you can begin to heal and find meaning in your loss.
Most women go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies and children following a TFMR. However, for some, like me, it’s more complicated and that’s where our baby story ends and a new life begins. Find out why quitting IVF was the best thing to ever happen to me.
