‘Life happens when you choose to quit IVF’
by Emma Kemsley
It’s evening and a gentle warm breeze floats through the evening air. The hum of crickets is my soundtrack. I take a sip of red wine and begin typing this article from under a bougainvillea drenched pergola in the Costa Brava. Would I be in this moment if I had a child? No. I’d likely be in the UK and knackered from a busy back to school routine.
In 2022, I made the decision to stop IVF, chose to be childless and live the life I truly wanted. Over six years, I had undergone nine IVF cycles, four endometriosis surgeries and one life threatening bout of sepsis following a termination for medical reasons (TFMR) at 20 weeks. I’d been cornered into thinking having a child was the right thing for my husband and I. Doctors persuaded me it would help my raging endometriosis. Our family wanted a baby to adore. Our friends wanted us to be part of their lifestyle. But did I want this?
After every failed cycled, I shrugged it off and prepared for the next. Not a tear in sight. When doctors are telling you it’s IVF or major surgery, IVF is the easier option. Did I want the lifestyle a child inevitability brings? Rainy farm days out, stinky soft plays, overpriced family-friendly holidays and a home filled with noisy plastic toys, hell no. Of course, a child brings unconditional love too, but for me, there was something missing. I liked the idea, but not enough to bet my entire future on it.
I made the brave decision to quit IVF in April 2022. I got off the fertility merry-go-round and regained my freedom, sanity and finances. In 2023, after several European research road trips, my husband, dog Fletcher and I relocated to Spain. We haven’t looked back.
We have spent the past 12 months living in the cool surf and foodie city of San Sebastian. The location has helped me slow down and evaluate my future. For the first time in years, I am living life exactly how I wanted to. Slow mornings, flexible working hours, an outdoor lifestyle and the freedom to do what I want, when I want. I have time to appreciate the small things. Take moments for me. Dare I say, I’m bordering on contentment.
Moving abroad and living life my way has given me time to reflect on what could’ve been. I love my friends and their children dearly, though I sometimes find their noise like nails on a chalk board. Just kidding, kind of. But spending time with them then returning to my slow life by the sea has allowed me to digest my feelings around choosing to end our IVF journey. It was 100% the right choice for us.
If IVF had been successful, I often wonder if I would’ve run from the life I tried incredibly hard to create. I would’ve still wanted freedom and a life abroad despite having a child. I don’t think I would’ve been truly happy. And though many families achieve relocating overseas with children with huge benefits such as learning multiple languages and a more relaxed parenting style, I still wouldn’t have the lifestyle I enjoy today. I’d be tied to routine and schools, it’s the entrapment that would forever leave me unsettled.
I do sometimes watch the picture-perfect families on the beach and for a moment think ‘do I want that?’. Then a child screams or some kind of sandcastle carnage unfolds, and I roll over, feel the sun on my face, read my book peacefully and smile. No, I’m exactly where I need to be.
Quitting IVF has developed our self-awareness and improved our already great marriage even more. We’ve also rebuilt our finances; nine IVFs and private surgeries are not purse friendly. We’ve strengthened our business and take on new career challenges. We are healthier and happier in so many ways. We’ve changed our life for the better and I am proud of it.
The year in San Sebastian showed us what we want from everyday living. While I like to think I’m a cool, stylish Carrie Bradshaw skipping around the city, I am not. Though I do like a pair of heels.
I want a slow Mediterranean life by the sea. I want to grow herbs in my garden, potter and cook meals from scratch with homegrown produce (this one is optimistic, I can’t keep a cactus alive). I want to create a home I am proud of. Share the space with people I love. I want to relish in everyday moments. Don’t worry, I still want my toes in the sand and a crisp glass of wine at a beach bar too.
We are about to embark on our biggest adventure to date. A huge renovation project in the Costa Brava. We’ll be refurbing a seventies style house complete with swirly tiles, colourful bathrooms, mouldy pool and a wild garden.
There’s a big surprise coming soon too. Follow my Instagram @emma_kemsley for tools, tantrums and tapas.
If I can keep the refurb in budget (doubtful), there may even be the potential for a small Italian property too. This wouldn’t be a reality if I had continued with IVF. I am beyond grateful for the choices we have made.
Being childless by choice is a decision that often raises eyebrows and sparks conversations. While it’s a personal choice, it’s also one that can be met with a mix of curiosity, judgment, and even pity. For those who have made this decision, it’s a path that is both fulfilling and special.
If you’re teetering on the edge of stopping IVF or choosing a child free life, I promise there’s a whole world out there waiting for you. You can design your own life, and no one can stop you. If you’re struggling with failed IVFs or wanting to move abroad, my inbox is always open for a chat.
It’s important to remember that everyone’s journey is different, and there’s no right or wrong way to live life. Ultimately, being childless by choice is a decision that requires courage and a strong sense of self. It’s a choice that can lead to a meaningful life, filled with love, laughter and purpose.
So, for those who have made this decision, embrace it with pride and celebrate every moment.
